To Live For Someone Else

                                         

Ayşe was born into a family that had longed for a child for many years. From the moment she opened her eyes to the world, she was welcomed with immense love, especially by her mother...

As the years went by, everyone around her would say, "My beautiful girl, your mommy really wanted you. She waited for you with longing and desire." They never gave her a chance to forget this, not even for a moment...

She had not only a loving family but also one that was extremely protective of her, shielding her from everything...

Ayşe lived like she was in a glass bubble. She was kept away from everything in case something happened to her, in case she got hurt. Her life was carefully controlled, with minimal contact with the world...

To her mother, father, relatives, and friends, she was a very lucky child. Yes, maybe she had lived a beautiful childhood in everyone’s eyes, but it was important to ask Ayşe how she felt.

To Ayşe, she had everything but nothing at all. She had a mother who controlled every part of her life, from who she would play with to where and how long she would play.

She wanted to ride a bike and play house like her friends, but she couldn't. Why? Because her mother believed she was going to be a great doctor someday. Instead of playing on the bike or outside, she was supposed to play doctor. After all, if she rode her bike or played outside, she might get hurt.

While experiencing this, the child in her would often wonder: Why was her mother trying so hard to protect her? Nobody else treated their children like this. Why was her mother so overprotective?

As she started school, this overprotectiveness intensified. It felt as though military discipline had been imposed on her life.

Lessons, homework, projects, tutoring, courses – everything was intricately woven into her life, leaving no room for empty space. If any of these things slipped up, it would feel like the end of the world at home.

For that reason, Ayşe’s homework couldn't be incomplete or incorrect. If she got a 90 instead of a 100 on her report card, her mother would say, "My girl, you are going to be a doctor! These grades are important for your university application. You must study harder, you must work hard…" and her vacation would be ruined. Of course, her mother's plans for the future didn’t stop there. She would repeatedly remind Ayşe, "My daughter is going to be a doctor. She will take care of me in the future. She will never make me depend on anyone."

Ayşe had listened to her mother’s words like a story for years. Over time, without thinking about whether she wanted to be a doctor, she just continued to follow her mother’s wishes.

It was as if her mother had mapped out a life for her, and she was simply walking down that path.

The story had been written, the lead role had been assigned, and the director had said, "Action." But the lead actor hadn’t even been asked whether she wanted to play this role. She was pushed onto the stage and told, "Go ahead and play."

But why was this happening?

Ayşe’s mother had unfulfilled desires in life, and now she was trying to fulfill them through her daughter. However, the one fulfilling them wouldn’t be herself—it would be Ayşe. It was like in mafia movies, where the boss gets the payment, but the person collecting the debt is someone else.

Her mother had been married off at a young age and had many of her dreams interrupted... She had wanted to study and become a doctor. None of these things came true, and she had always lived with regrets. Therefore, she didn’t want her daughter to face the same struggles, and above all, she wanted Ayşe to have a good career and avoid the hardships she had faced.

Her mother had good intentions. She was trying to raise a strong child in her own way. She didn’t realize that instead of being a supportive mother, she was trying to be Ayşe herself. She didn’t understand that by continuing to set goals for Ayşe, she was pushing her daughter into a life she hadn’t chosen.

Her mother had been a girl who, when she was little, had always been content with the love left over by her older brothers. Because of this, she wanted to take revenge on those who had wasted her life. It was as if by doing this, she could reclaim her lost opportunities from the past. But there was a problem… In doing so, she was using Ayşe’s life, and sadly, she was ruining the life of the daughter she loved and cared for the most.

Taking back time... Not settling for what she was given... Living through someone else’s life... People do this not with bad intentions, but from a place of hurt, anger, and frustration. They want to yell and prove something, to say, "You didn’t let me do it, but look, I made it happen."

So what could Ayşe do? How could she explain this without upsetting her mother, without disappointing her? She was terrified, but she also knew that the role that had been imposed on her didn’t fit her. The more she thought, the more things felt off balance, but she couldn’t figure out exactly why.

For instance, if she wrote her university applications the way she wanted, the result might disappoint her mother. Not only could it break her mother’s dreams, but it could destroy her whole life.

What could Ayşe do now? She was helpless...

In life, there was no one who loved her the way her mother did. In fact, if she didn’t do what her mother wanted, she didn’t believe anyone else would love her either. Because her mother had always drilled this idea into her. It felt like her destiny; she was forced into this path with no other options.

That’s how Ayşe felt...

Oh, Ayşe, beautiful Ayşe... Every person is special and valuable. But in these emotions, she couldn’t even love herself without her mother. She couldn’t do anything without her mother’s permission or approval. Even buying a dress would require asking her. She had gotten so used to this that she couldn’t do anything without her mother’s involvement, and it didn’t feel right to act without consulting her. 

As Ayşe struggled with these problems and found no solution, she started to believe her mother was right. "Yes... My mother has had a very difficult life. She doesn’t want me to go through the same struggles she did, so she took the steering wheel of my life. She’s doing this for my own good," she would say.

But at the same time, she would look at her friends, who seemed so at ease... When they got a bad grade, they didn’t worry like she did. They’d just say, “We’ll figure it out. It’s not the end of the world.” Meanwhile, at Ayşe’s house, it felt like the world was crashing down...

When they got sick, there was no chaos at their homes... But if Ayşe sneezed, her house would be put in quarantine, and a huge chaos would ensue...

Or her friends could casually talk about which major they wanted to choose for university, why they were making that choice. But for Ayşe, even joking about university wasn’t allowed. In her life, these things weren’t even options...

Despite feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted, Ayşe couldn’t imagine a life without her mother. “What would I do without her?” she thought, and quickly pushed away any thoughts of living without her.

Seeing how her friends lived made her think, "How can they do what they want without their mothers? How can this even be possible?"

Yes, Ayşe was stuck... Whether knowingly or unknowingly... Willingly or unwillingly... She needed to accept this before she could move on to the next step.

Accept it, so you can take the next step...

Ayşe’s dilemma was her mother’s embrace. And she was afraid to step out of that embrace and take steps on her own. The thought of moving forward made her feel excited, but she still preferred staying in her mother’s arms. Yes... She would either live within the boundaries set by her mother or consider living without her, like her friends did. The choice was hers. Before she could think about "Would I hurt my mother?", she needed to decide for herself what she truly wanted.

"Go ahead, take a step before it’s too late," she said to herself...

Her teacher always said, "Ask questions... Let’s ask so that our consciousness can open up... So that we can act with our minds, not our emotions."

Now, Ayşe, start asking questions...

- How can a person think, "I can’t live without this one person"?

- How long can someone live without being able to make decisions about their own life, without being able to make their own choices?

- Is consulting with someone the same as having them set goals for you?

- Isn’t what makes someone an individual their ability to choose for themselves, to decide what is right for them?

- Why is a person living in this world? What are they choosing?

- What is the purpose of all our efforts, our attempts to reach our best selves?

These questions could go on and on. Whether it’s Ayşe’s, Fatma’s, or anyone else’s mind...

The reality was, it was time for us to step into the life that keeps expanding...